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I attempted to write this seriously and it just didn't work for me. This is totally cracked.

Warnings: No naked bathing in the Raritan River...but plenty of foul language and drunkenness.





James: Yaaahooooo!!

Alexander: Alright, James...that's enough.

James: I can't help it...I'm so excited. No more substitute teaching.





Alexander: Just tell me...please...tell me you're not teaching any senior classes.

James: No. I'm just starting out as a high school teacher. It will be mostly first and second year classes.

Alexander: Thank God...though I feel for Willie and Libbie. Are they in any of your classes?

James: Yes, both of them. Freshman and sophomore composition.

Alexander: Ouch.





James: Your friend, Orlando is attending one of my second year composition course.

Alexander: He's not my friend, James.

James: I understand. Setting fire to our hot tub wouldn't do much for a relationship.

Alexander: That's not the reason I don't call him friend. It's only part of it, really.

James: The hate-group he's organizing?

Alexander: Yes. How did you know about that?





James: I caught him passing messages in class. It was the creed of the group. Frightening.

Alexander: I don't understand why people just can't get along. Orlando could be a best friend...I thought he had some good points as a person...but this. I can't call him friend...may never be able to.





James: Yes. It was wonderful sending my first student to the principal's office. *sigh*

Alexander: You would derive pleasure from that.





Alexander: Do you think this marriage between Papa and Anna is doomed?

James: You're asking me...for an opinion?





Alexander: That was foolish...I take the question back.

James: Any marriage is doomed...any relationship is doomed.





Alexander: And the world could end tommorrow. Jeez, James.

James: Do you think you and Rebekkah are going to last forever?

Alexander: We could. I really don't know.





James: You could end up married with a house full of children.

Alexander: OMG! I only want one!

James: It's not a question of what you want, Alex. Rebekkah will decide.

Alexander: WTH?!





James: Papa's ready to go. Let's get this over with.

Alexander: I thought the husband was the ruler of his castle. King!

James: Let it go...you're believing in a dream.





Alexander: I hope we can find something suitable for Papa. That plaid suit he owns needs to be burned.

James: Indeed...Charles still cringes when he sees his and Felicity's wedding pictures. Felicity never let's him forget it. The shame.





James: Hehehe. I wonder if I can find something to wear to make this wedding a nighmare to remember.



Off to Cold Storage clothing...they went.






Alexander: Wow...I never knew they had buckskin here. I wonder if they have breeches to match?





And instead of shopping, James was making time with the gardener.





Making very good time with the gardener.





Oh my! This poor girl doesn't know what she's getting into...for visa versa.





Suddenly, the infamous Missus Crumplebottom appears.





....and begins her lecturing the gardener of the evil's of sex and public indecency.





...then begins giving James a piece of her mind.





...complete with visual aid...her handbag.





Nathaniel Thatcher enters the shop and spies James.

James: Don't get too close that old woman, Nathaniel. She's armed and...insane.





Nathaniel: That's Mister Thatcher to you, Mister Thomson. We are not on speaking terms where you can used such an air of familiarity and friendship with me, sir!

James: Are you still upset with me?





Nathaniel: You took my sister as your intended, treated her as dirt, unfaithful to her...

James: I broke off the engagement. I thought I did the honorable thing.





Nathaniel: Anna broke off the engagement...not you. She finally saw the light.

James: That's not true...I broke it off.

Nathaniel: *rolls eyes* No, you didn't.





Gardener: I'm outta here.

Mrs. Crumplebottom: I wonder if these boys are going to kiss. My handbag is getting cold.

James: I ended it!

Nathaniel: Hey...don't poke me in the nose!





Missus Crumplebottom gives James a couple of parting words of advice. Watch your lusty ways in public, mister.





James: Ma'am...you're crazy.

Mrs. Crumplebottom: Yeah...and I have eyes everywhere, pal. So, watch yourself!





Alexander: Was I hallucinating or did you get beaten up by an old lady with a purse?

James: No. Let's go home.





Alexander: Does your head still hurt? She really let you have it.

James: Yes...my head still hurts...from the lecture and the beating.

Alexander: Looked painful. I never had that...

James: Alex?

Alexander: Yes?

James: Shut up.



On the humilating ride home, James wondered if the lecture from his father was more painful that the one from the old hag. Thank the gods, his father did not have a loaded handbag...but it was just a painful for his father agreed with the old bat. The humilation was only made worse by Alexander's gleeful recounting of passionately kissing Rebekkah in the same shop...without the beating and tongue-lashing of Missus Crumplebottom. James heaved a sigh of relief as the car pulled into the driveway. All he could think about was hitting the keg of beer his father ordered for the wedding.

John Thomson promptly called his beloved and her family to his home...but his telephone calls to his son Charles were unanswered. Today was moving day for Charles and Felicity. He had hoped Charles would witness his day of great happiness. A hope John held onto through the day.






John: Anna, my dear.

Anna: *hic* John! You're not supposed to see the bride before the wedding! *hic*

John: Are you alright? You have been drinking, have you?

Anna: Oh...a little. *hic* I wanted to make sure the caterer brought a fresh keg. *hic*





John: Why don't you get dressed.

Anna: Dressed? I have clothes on. *hicbelch*

John: No...no. Go put your wedding dress on...and drink some coffee. It might help...those hiccups.

Anna: Uh...very well.





John: I wonder what is the worst omen...the worst source of bad luck...seeing the bride or finding her slight intoxicated?





The victims witnesses change and take up their places.

Rebekkah: Good God, Alexander!

Alexander: I know...I know...my hair is hideous. James volunteered to give me a trim and this is what he did to me.

Rebekkah: No! Your suit!





John takes his place under the bridal arch and all he can think of...maxing a skill or college?





John: Anna...I promise to be the best husband and lover. I promise everything possible...to make you the happiest woman in the world.

Anna: I still can't believe we are getting married...in front of your son's grave. Ick!

John: Anna. Your vow.

Anna: Ooo...me, too.





John: William's watching over us...giving us his blessing.

Anna: He'll bless us by not appearing, John.





John: He won't. It's daylight...and you wanted an evening wedding.

Anna: I did? Silly me...thank you for totally disregarding my wishes.





I know pronounce you...man and wife.





Thank Heavens...they're not in a church.





But would that stop them from making out? I don't think so.





Anna: So...are we married?

John: Yes, my love.





John: We are husband and wife.

Anna: Goodie. *burf* Damn, beer.





And they both bring in a crapload of simoleons to the arrangement.






....and the crowd goes wild. Yaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy!!!

They're just thinking of toasting to the point of a good buzz, eating mediocre buffet, drinking out of the keg tap...and dancing the night away. Embarrassing the shit out of everyone...including themselves. You know...typical wedding guests.





Anna: Are we going on a cruise for our honeymoon?





John: Ah...no. We would have to have the Bon Voyage expansion pack for that one.

Anna: Damn! I need a drink.





James: Wow...that was great. Strange in front of William's grave...oh well.

Josiah: Where's the alcohol?





John: James? What in God's name are you doing?

James: I'm the DJ!

John: Well...stop it.





James: Are you sure?

John: Dancing after dark, son. There's food and liquor to consume...we paid good money for it.

James: Alright. I was just getting the hang of this.

John: No...you weren't.





Get ready! The first round of a million toasts to the happy couple.





First up? Alexander!

Alexander: To my Papa and Anna! All the best.





Why does the groom always get all the congratulatory toasts? I thought it was the bride's day.





Party Guests: To the groom!

John: To me! Where's my wife? I need to kiss.





The Bride appears...





...and receives one of many kisses. Damn, free will!!





Alexander: Rebekkah? You look ravishing...I mean...beautiful.

Anna: What did you say?

Rebekkah: Nice save, Alex.





Alexander can't resist a caress....and WTF is Anna looking at? Did John forget to zip up his breeches?






Rebekkah decides to make another toast. Alexander? He hits the buffet table. He is a human garbage disposal still a teenager.





The buffet is hard to resist. The food will help balance out all that champagne drunk.





Everyone's got table manners...except...Anna. What a slob! I'm surprized she didn't lick the plate clean.





James soon joins them.

Anna: Alexander? I think it is wonderful you have manage to reach the top in your profession.

Alexander: It's only the beginning.

Anna: Soooo...what do you do, as a Multi-Regional Sim of Some Question?

Alexander: If I told you...I would have to kill you.

Anna: *gasp*





John: He doesn't make alot of money in this mysterious profession.





Anna: It's only a start, John. You need to give your son time and some confidence. I am sure Alexander will be making plenty of simoleons after college.

Alexander: Oh...yes.





Alexander: I am in total agreement with you.

Anna: Rise to the top and you just might afford my daughter.

Alexander: Whaaat?

Rebekkah: Huh?

James: You're daughter's expensive?





Rebekkah: Momma? Stop it.

Anna: Reach the top, Alexander.

Alexander: I will. Sheesh.






John: Unless Alexander works on his charisma skills, he won't get far.

James, Anna, and Alexander: What the....?






Anna: He doesn't need charisma. It's nice...but not a requirement.

Alexander: Hey! I maxed that skill.

John: Rebekkah?

Rebekkah: I'm out of here.






John and James: Rebekkah?

Anna: Grow up and Rebekkah could be your's.

Alexander: Could be? She is mine. She's my steady girl.





Alexander: I don't understand why you are making an issue of my career path and my being able to afford Rebekkah.

Anna: The well-being and happiness of my daughter has always been an issue, Alexander. I want the best for Rebekkah and now, that we are in the same household, you are going to be require to prove to me that you are the best for my daughter.

Alexander: I don't believe this. You're drunk.

Anna: Are you going to eat the rest of that turkey and dressing?






John: Don't take Anna's words too hard, Alexander. Time will prove whether or not you are the right one for Rebekkah...or...that Rebekkah is the right woman for you.

Alexander: I'm well aware of that, Papa...but...must a relationship always be about money? Doesn't love account for anything?

John: Not in my generation.





Josiah: What the Hell happened to Alexander?

Nathaniel: James thought he would be a good brother and trim up Alexander's hair.

Josiah: I'd beat James down if he did that to me. *slamsdownchampagne*





Nathaniel: Where's those clippers, Mister Thomson.

James: Huh?

Josiah: You heard my son. Where are they? *hic*





Nathaniel: Anna and Rebekkah told us what you did to your brother. It's disgusting...and disrespectful.

Josiah: Yeah. *belchhic*





James: I don't know what you're talking about. I trimmed up Alex's hair...first time using those electrical scissors....I cleaned up the best I could.

Nathaniel: Well, your best wasn't good enough.

Josiah: *hic* Yeaaah.

James: Are you going to hold a grudge over this...like the engagement?





Nathaniel: Ah...maybe. I don't like kin respecting kin.

James: Take it easy, Nathaniel. The both of you have had quite abit to drink...

Nathaniel: I told you not to call me by my Christian name. Don't make me warn you again...with my fists.

Josiah: *cracksknuckles* Let's do this before all the liquor wears off.

James: Now....wait a minute...





Josiah: What the Hell is he doing? *slamsfistintohand*

Nathaniel: Crying like a baby. This is no fun. Let's go get a drink, Papa.

Josiah: Yeah...maybe we can pick a fight with someone else. Let's jump on Alexander...because of that hair.





Alexander and Rebekkah decide to hit the dance floor...while Nathaniel, Josiah, John, and Anna toast it up.





James: Can I be DJ, now?!

John: Just press "random" and "play"...then get away from that machine.





James totally ignores his father's command and begins to make a DJ-fool of himself. Nathaniel and Josiah busy themselves between the champagne and the beer keg. The rest of the wedding party?





Do a little dance...
Make a little love...
Get down tonight...
Get down tonight...






The Wedding Party was a success!!!

The champagne and beer flowed too freely.
The buffet wasn't half bad. No one touched the gelatin, though. Who would? There's cake!
Alexander's new hair style isn't toooo bad.
Rebekkah looked more like a bride than her mother did.
Nathaniel and Josiah didn't get in a fight with anyone...just insulted and poked the Hell out of James and Anna.

I'm sure Nathaniel will be showing up at the house over the next few days with his insults and shoving.





And now?!

The Thomson family tradition!!!





FIREWORKS!!!!!





Having said "goodbye" to their guests and setting Alexander and Rebekkah to cleaning up...John and Anna set to enjoying their wedding night.





John: It's been a long day, my dear...but all worth it. We're married.

Anna: Yes, finally. My father was soooo embarrassing.

John: He was drunk, dear. A wedding reception wouldn't be complete without it.





Anna: I'm a little disappointed Felicity and Charles didn't attend...but they are busy with the new house.

John: Lame excuse. Their new home is right across the street from us.

Anna: Oh...that's right. That bitch. *frown*

John: Oh God...no...not another grudge.





John: Let it be, my love.

Anna: Well, if Felicity thinks we're attending a house-warming party...she can forget it!

John: *cringe* Anna.

Anna: And she can forget our attending any future birthday parties for the children!

John: Annnna.

Anna: And no...presents!! That includes Christmas. Grrr.





John: Anna, stop! This is our wedding night. Our first night together as husband and wife. Don't let your anger spoil this wonderful moment.

Anna: Oh...it won't spoil it, sweetheart...it will just make the sex...very rough.

John: Ooooo.

Anna: Rawr. I'll be very hungry in the morning, though.

John: I'll make you the usual hearty breakfast. Fried eggs, hashbrowns, bacon, toast...

Anna: Can I have pancakes, instead?

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
jonchiz67
Jul. 17th, 2007 05:47 am (UTC)
LOL It's turned into a farce. This is the funniest chapter I have read.

Did Rebekkah and Anna switch dresses?

Mrs. Crumplebottom: that's the funniest name!

Was there a cleargyman or someone to marry them? Or did they just exchange vows in front of no one?
lover_of_1776
Jul. 17th, 2007 07:36 pm (UTC)
I thought to make it serious, but just couldn't.

They didn't switch dresses. I chose that dress for Anna...I didn't look in Rebekkah's clost to make a choice for her.

There's no clergyman...the couple's just exchange vows and rings.

=^..^=
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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Colonial Sims - A Wacky Crossover of Time.

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